Realizing that your significant other is a pathological narcissist can be an extraordinarily painful experience. People with this toxic personality style are prone to abuse, which can wreak havoc on their families, friends, and lovers.
What is Narcissism?
The word narcissism comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, a beautiful hunter who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Psychologists use the word to describe the tendency to focus on one’s own experience, goals, or sense of personal value over that of others. Narcissism is not a binary trait—all of us exhibit narcissism to different degrees, and problems can result from being either too high or too low in this dimension. You can think of narcissism like psychological candy; if you constantly indulge a child with sugary foods their health will surely suffer, but few would argue that kids shouldn’t enjoy the pleasure of a sweet treat now and then. Understanding narcissism as a spectrum with plenty of gray area can help you realize why it can be so difficult to accept that your partner’s level of narcissism is pathological, even when it is leading them to mistreat you.
Healthy Narcissism: For most healthy, happy, and well-adjusted individuals, a modest level of narcissism supports their wellbeing and self-esteem. Believing in your worth and prioritizing your own needs within reasonable bounds is an essential prerequisite to experience joy, achieve your goals, and bring your strengths into your relationships. Because the word “narcissism” has such negative connotation, you may have heard this healthy kind of narcissism referred to as self-love. Indeed, many victims of abuse must work hard to rebuild their self-love in the wake of a disastrous relationship with a narcissist.
Pathological Narcissism: Some people develop such a high degree of narcissism that it becomes a primary organizing principle of their personality. These people exhibit an extreme and inappropriate sense self-importance, and demand fawning admiration from those they relate to. Pathological narcissists (referred to as narcissists) are often domineering and aggressive towards others who do not share their belief that they are superior. Most narcissists have grandiose fantasies that they are more special, intelligent, and talented than everyone else, and that they deserve to have everything they desire, no matter the cost to others. Some, however, may be using narcissistic behavior to mask deeply entrenched insecurity and fragile self-esteem. In the context of a casual encounter, this type of narcissism can easily be confused with high self-esteem. As the partner of a narcissist, however, you have probably discovered another face of this coin. A narcissistic partner is so busy protecting their own interests and positive sense of self that they cannot spare any thought for your feelings or needs. In any relationship, even the healthiest ones, moments arise where your opinions or goals differ and come into conflict. In these situations, the narcissist is unable to tolerate any form of compromise, and often employs abusive strategies to make sure they “win.” Narcissism is not just an inflated sense of self; its core feature is a total lack of empathy. A narcissist will not (and cannot) put themselves in another’s shoes. In a partnership, this manifests as a lack of regard for, or even open disrespect of your feelings and needs. This is especially true whenever your perspective threatens or complicates your partner’s goals or view of themselves. While these tendencies represent symptoms of a disorder, narcissists do not suffer from their own deficits nearly as much as those around them, and for this reason are often totally unmotivated to change.
Narcissistic Abuse
We live in a culture that often rewards and celebrates narcissism. Narcissists are excellent at drawing attention and power to themselves without the hinderances that come along with regard for others. This sometimes carries intelligent narcissists to social positions of influence and respect in society. Narcissists often come off at first glance as dynamic, charismatic, and magnetic social figures. You can fall in love with these superficial qualities before realizing the unacceptable lengths they will go to in order to protect themself.
The abusive behaviors that narcissists engage in are often not necessary at the outset of a relationship. So long as they are receiving the unqualified affirmation they want. However, adoration isn’t the only part of a romantic relationship; true partnership requires compromise, accommodation, and adjustment to your lover’s needs. This is where things can go off the rails. Without empathy, a narcissist will use manipulative and abusive tactics to make sure they get exactly what they want without any consideration of you. Here are a few types of behaviors to look out for if you suspect your partner is a narcissist:
1. Love Bombing: Narcissists will often lavish gifts, affection, and praise on a partner who is knowingly or unknowingly complying with their agenda. This outpouring can feel wonderful. It is easy to assume that they are doing this out of genuine care for you. However, when you fall out of step with their desires, the behavior you thought represented durable love abruptly stops. They are using the seemingly loving behavior as a lever to control your actions, withholding love if you do not meet their demands, and trying to convince you that you owe them obedience in return for their gestures. In the end, you may wind up feeling terrible guilt for having “wronged” your partner by refusing to be controlled.
2. Gaslighting: Narcissists lie easily when the truth is inconvenient to their goals. Gaslighting is a form of lying where the liar denies something you know to be true. The term comes from an eponymous 1944 film, where the manipulative villain makes noises and dims the lights in the home of his victim, then asserts that she is imagining the phenomena to make her doubt her sanity. For example, a narcissist might spend money from a joint bank account, then gaslight their partner to convince her that her “out of control” shopping was responsible for the disappearance. When a narcissist uses this tactic, it demonstrates are valuing their own convenience over the integrity of their partner’s perception of reality.
3. Negging: Your narcissistic partner may criticize or demean you unfairly if they feel threatened. For example, a narcissist who has been rebuffed by an exhausted partner in her attempt to initiate sex might accuse him of being frigid and unloving. By hurting your self-esteem and sense of security, they are trying to inflate their own value by comparison and challenging you to “prove me wrong” by doing what they want.
4. Isolation: Chances are you rely on more people than just your partner to validate your needs and encourage you to get them met. When the fulfillment of these needs run counter to a narcissist’s interest, they will attempt to drive a wedge into your other relationships, dismantling your social safety net until only your abuser is left. This constriction of your social world limits your ability to test reality, leaving you vulnerable to other forms of manipulation.
5. Intimidation: Narcissists may resort to threats of physical or emotional violence to coerce you into doing what they want. For example, if you decide to leave your relationship in response to your partner’s abuse, they may threaten to fabricate lies about you designed to limit your legal right to be with your children in an attempt to get you to stay.
Though some of these tactics can be subtle, they are all profound forms of emotional abuse that should not be tolerated.
What to Do if You Suspect Your Partner of Narcissistic Abuse
1. Prioritize Safety: If you feel that you may be in danger of violence from your partner, immediately seek shelter outside the home. In a pinch, an emergency room can serve as a secure place to make a plan with easy access to social, medical, and police support.
2. Seek Outside Perspective: Talk through your situation with a licensed therapist, or a family member or friend who does not have a relationship with your partner. This is important, because a mutual friend may also be under the influence of your partner’s manipulation. This support person can act as a neutral observer, helping you investigate the validity of your concerns and apply a reality check to help you identify the manipulative strategies your partner may be using.
3. Learn About Narcissism: You are already taking this step by reading this article! It is important to understand that narcissists are only capable of acting in their own interest. This means that no matter how understanding, kind, and flexible you are in approaching conflict with them, they will not change their behavior.
4. Be Your Own Advocate: Narcissists are experts in getting others to do what they want. When interacting with a narcissistic partner, be uncompromising about your needs, even if it makes you feel guilty or demanding. Unlike in your other relationships, your partner will not reach out to support you in a conflict. In this situation, you are the only person looking after your interests. Draw on your social support system or speak with a therapist to decide which boundaries you are not willing to compromise.
5. Leave The Relationship: If you are suffering abuse from your partner, leaving the relationship may be your best option. If you make this decision, consider a period of no contact with your ex. This will protect you from further attempts at manipulation as you recover from the loss.
6. Be Kind to Yourself as You Heal: Narcissistic abuse can leave you feeling the opposite of narcissism. Chances are, you have internalized some of the ways your partner made you feel inferior, and this will take time to recover from. Be patient and gentle with yourself and accept support from your network. Remember that although you were victimized, you have shown immense strength of character through your decision to change your situation.
Recovering from narcissistic abuse is painful and complex, and you deserve support in working through its aftermath. Speaking with a therapist can help you understand what happened, rebuild your self-confidence, and turn the adversity you have been through into a source of strength. You can reach out to schedule a consultation with me by using this link.
